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bicycles and deeper thoughts
Wed 05/11/2003, 12:44 CET
You know, I know I should write something about Copenhagen now, but not really feeling up to it. So I'll write it when I feel like to. Because I do want to write it all down...

Ok, if that sounds hazy, yes, it is hazy. I have no idea what to do with myself. Running up against the walls of my head. Feelings running rampant and in totally the wrong direction. Just a generally fucked up feeling.

This morning my bikechain went loose again, twice, giving me some greasy hands and extracting some swear words. Darn kids on their bikes on their way to school are always in the middle of the road making it darn hard for me to pass them by. Adding more to my frustration.

Damn, I'm angry with myself, with everything, the whole world, but mostly myself. Having too many loose ends in my life. Need to clear up that proverbial closet a bit. But for some things I have doubts whether I should really do that, it would ease my mind a bit for the now, but how will it eventually come back to me? No clue, scared of that.

I'm like, at the brink of some abyss. In front of me it is all dark, behind me it's all nice light 'n' cosy, but still fucked up. Not really the state I want to be in. I'm hovering on the threshold, wanting to take the plunge into the unknown. Cause well, it can't get that much worse than it is right now, on the personal field. Thinking: one step forward, could go down, or could go up... but something is holding me back. Just need a little prod in some direction.. mostly forward. Then I will just stumble up or down.

But this holding me back thing... I have some incling what it is, but rather reluctant to do something about it, for fear of the possible negative change in me. So, quite some dilemma I'm putting myself into.

-- cavey



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